Thermotron management training--How can I become an asshole in five easy steps?
Thermotron trainingwith thomas bannach-- no way-- really?
by chota
How can I become an asshole in five easy steps?
Introduction
Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a nice person?
Thermotron - Donut Hell--Backstabbing bosses and callous co-workers
Backstabbing bosses and callous co-workers
by chota
How can I become an asshole in five easy steps?
Introduction
Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a nice person?
If no, this guide probably is not for you.
If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole!
If you follow these easy steps, you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.
If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole!
If you follow these easy steps, you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.
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1...Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities
This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult.
It requires an amount of study because you will need to know your field.
Faking is not an option;
The Simpsons - Donut Hell
Homer sells his soul to the devil for a donut and is sent to the ironic punishment
1...Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities
This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult.
It requires an amount of study because you will need to know your field.
Faking is not an option;
a fake will be held up as an object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not your objective.
I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music.
I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music.
While General Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to properly attain.
Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.
2....Step Two: Use Really Big Words
This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary.
Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say puerile.
Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words; loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.
3....Step Three: Choose Something To Hate
It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English.
Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise.
If you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.
Step Four: Always Manage To Turn Conversation Around To You
No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up.
If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.
Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This
This is the culmination of your training as an asshole. Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this.
When someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two.
This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's intelligence.
Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.
Conclusion
If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time.
While you may not have many friends,
you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser;
they not only lack friends, they lack style.
Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.
2....Step Two: Use Really Big Words
This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary.
Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say puerile.
Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words; loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.
3....Step Three: Choose Something To Hate
It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English.
Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise.
If you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.
Step Four: Always Manage To Turn Conversation Around To You
No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up.
If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.
Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This
This is the culmination of your training as an asshole. Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this.
When someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two.
This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's intelligence.
Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.
Conclusion
If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time.
While you may not have many friends,
you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser;
they not only lack friends, they lack style.
page #4 isn't "...Babies grow in their mommy’s belly” a lie as well?
How 'bout, "There is a special place in mommy where daddy plants his
seed and the baby grows there."
page #6 If you tell your child that you will not die for a long, long,
long time and then you die the next day in a bad accident, aren't you
setting the child up for a really big emotional problem? Anything wrong
with, "I will always live in your heart and I will always love you."
don't need to volunteer every bit of information, but as they get older
and start questioning certain things, it's always better to tell the
truth than to lie, even if the truth isn't the *whole* truth. They'll
get there eventually, either with your help or on their own. A
questioning attitude should be rewarded with the truth, even (no,
*especially*) when the truth is hard to take. Balance difficult truths
with a sympathetic and comforting tone.
have the option to not share your past with your kids. They have no
innate right to know every little thing you did before you had kids. And
many of them will throw it in your face if you feel the need to be
fully confessional. I didn't do anything major myself, but that still
didn't mean I had an obligation to present my teens for review. I think
today's parents try too hard to be friends and buddies instead of
parents. They want to be the "cool" parent. And kids truly don't need
that. They need someone who will have their back and yes, even be their
excuse when they really don't want to do something.
my daughter was about 3 1/2 or 4 she was being very disagreeable about
goint to take a nap. I told her that she had better be good because
Santa was checking on all children, this was at Christmas time. Just
then my phone rang and it was my brother and when I said "well, hello
Santa." He went right along with me. Needless to say my daughter was
wide eyed and suddenly ready to take a nap. I did not usually tell her
lies like that but I was becoming ver frustrated that day as she would
test me to the end! I asked her if she wanted to talk to Santa, to
which she said NO......in later years she even laughed with my brother
and myself when we talked about the incident, to which she remembered!
it's not ok to lie to your child.. ever. If you don't want to discuss
something tell them you'll talk to them later. If they're too young for
whatever it is, tell them that's adult stuff and you'll talk to them
when they're older.
Children are not like adults. They are extremely
literal with very little gray areas in their thinking. If something
comes up like the dead bug in the story above, tell them it's dead. Why
would you tell a lie then another one to cover it up?
I raised three
children with full intent on total honesty after living with a mother
who lied incessantly. Yes, a few times I slipped and told "little white
lies" ie - lies but I always set it straight and apologized. I believe
this has made my family close and my children feel safe in the knowledge
that they will always be able to trust me implicitly.
should tell them the truth, no matter how embarrassing, heartbreaking,
etc. The younger the child, the shorter the answer. Lying only leads to
more lies. Lying also teaches your children it's okay to lie. Children
learn by example. Parents should be their best example. Sometimes the
truth hurts.
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